May 30, 2025
Your Attachment Style
Attachment Theory was developed by British psychiatrist John Bowlby in the 1950’s. Expanded upon in the 1970’s through studies of attachment between infant and caregiver, it wasn’t until the 1980’s when the attachment styles of adults became the focus. As adults, our attachment style strongly correlates to the level of emotional security we felt growing up and it’s been determined that the way we connect, communicate and react to intimacy in romantic relationships is largely dependent upon our childhood experience.
The four attachment styles are anxious, avoidant, fearful avoidant, and secure. I think of them as “emotional “reactions” or “responses”to the intimacy and vulnerability that is demanded of us from a romantic relationship. Our response correlates to the level of closeness that we feel comfortable with, how we handle conflict in the relationship, and our ability to be vulnerable with our partner.
In this article, I group avoidant and fearful avoidant together. The main difference is that the avoidant projects the belief that he/she really doesn’t need anyone else, while the fearful avoidant wants and seeks a relationship while simultaneously fearing engulfment, which becomes a constant push-and-pull.
Craving love but fearing rejection: Anxious Attachment
People with an Anxious Attachment style have a deep desire for closeness in a relationship, but they fear abandonment.
Anxious Attachers want to spend a lot of time with their partner and likely view their partner as their ‘best friend” but as the relationship develops and their feelings get stronger, their innate fear of abandonment triggers a cascade of worries. They become hyper-vigilant, over analyzing their partner’s moods, words, and interactions. They often become jealous and insecure - always wondering if their partner truly loves them or is falling out of love. Every conflict makes them feel that the relationship is about to end. Anxious Attachers can seem clingy or overly emotional to their partner and a relationship that once seemed perfect, starts to break down.
Anxious Attachment behaviors:
- Needing constant reassurance of your feelings
- Overanalyzing everything - your tone of voice, your moods, your motives
- Being overly jealous and questioning your interest in others
- A lot of difficulty trusting
An Anxious Attacher can be overwhelmed with worry and fear when their partner is running late, changes plans, acts distant, or is unresponsive. Although their reaction comes from a place of deep love, the constant mistrust and questioning can push their partner away. Often an Anxious Attacher will initiate the break up if they believe that their partner is falling out of love and will eventually break up with them, anyway.
Anxious Attachers seek to feel “safe” with a partner, but their fear of abandonment just won’t allow them to relax into the relationship and simply trust.
Craving love but fearing dependence: Avoidant Attachment
Avoidant Attachers prioritize personal autonomy and struggle with emotional intimacy. Those with avoidant attachment need to have a sense of freedom and they struggle with feeling engulfed and suffocated by too much closeness with their partner. As the relationship gets more serious and a degree of commitment is required, they get spooked and need to pull back. Avoidants want the partnership and support of a romantic relationship, but at some point, the relationship begins to feel suffocating or restrictive. Fearful Avoidants value independence over intimacy and will downplay the importance of emotions and emotional closeness. A relationship with an Avoidant or a Fearful Avoidant Attacher turns into a push-and-pull as they try to retain their sense of autonomy in a relationship.
Avoidant Attachment behaviors:
- Overly self-reliant - rarely asks for “help” from anyone
- Doesn’t tend to talk about their “feelings”
- Feels “trapped” or “suffocated” as the relationship gets serious
- Has a hard time committing to the relationship or taking it to the “next level”
- Might shut down or withdraw during conflict
Avoidant Attachers may appear cold or distant toward their partner as they try to regulate their conflicting emotions. They may love deeply, but their innate instinct to protect themselves from becoming lost in the relationship makes them unable to truly open up, get close, and be vulnerable.
A healthy balance: Secure Attachment
Secure Attachers are able to maintain a healthy balance between closeness and independence without fear of abandonment or being overwhelmed by closeness. Secure attachers are comfortable expressing emotions, setting boundaries, resolving conflict, and in general, handing the ups and downs and ins and outs of a relationship.
Secure Attachment behaviors:
- Trusts easily and is trustworthy
- Relationship conflict doesn’t feel like an ending
- They don’t withdraw or become defensive in conflict
- When it’s time to “level up” in the relationship, they commit easily
- They communicate emotions with no extremes
The constancy and stability of a Secure Attacher could be an ideal partner for both anxious and avoidant types but the roller coaster ride that is usually a part of those relationships won’t remain attractive to a Secure Attacher.
What's your attachment style?
Answer the following 8 questions and mark the letter that matches your answer.
1) If I don’t hear from my partner:
A) I feel abandoned or anxious
B) I feel relieved or indifferent
C) I trust they’ll get in touch when they can
2) When there is a conflict:
A) I feel overwhelmed and worry that it will lead to breaking up
B) I avoid the conversation or withdraw
C) I focus on listening and calmly responding
3) When my partner gets emotionally close:
A) I feel safe and happy
B) I feel uncomfortable, trapped, or smothered
C) I feel connected and maintain my boundaries
4) I worry that my partner doesn’t really love me or that he/she is falling out of love with me:
A) Often
B) Rarely
C) Occasionally, but we talk it out
5) I prefer:
A) A lot of closeness and together time
B) A lot of space and time to myself
C) A balance of intimacy and independence
6) When my partner wants to talk about feelings:
A) I feel nervous but am eager to connect
B) I feel uncomfortable and might change the subject
C) I welcome the engagement
7) In relationships, I tend to be:
A) Clingy, needy, jealous
B) Emotionally unavailable, distant, hot/cold
C) Emotionally stable and balanced
8) I feel most secure in my relationship when:
A) I get lots of reassurance from my partner
B) I get lots of time to do my own thing
C) We communicate honestly and openly
Results:
Mostly A: Anxious Attacher
Mostly B: Avoidant Attacher
Mostly C: Secure Attacher
Attachment style defines the dynamic
Your attachment style doesn’t only shape your behavior, it also defines the dynamic in your relationship.
Anxious + Avoidant: One of the most challenging couples. The Anxious partner seeks closeness, but closeness scares the Avoidant so the Avoidant retreats. The retreat triggers the abandonment fear of the Anxious partner so Anxious pulls back. When Anxious pulls back, the Avoidant feels less suffocated and gets close again. It’s an endless cycle of pain and emotional disregulation.
Anxious + Anxious: This couple’s deep desire for closeness comes with a built-in fear of rejection. Anxious Attachers need constant reassurance of their partner’s love and are acutely sensitive to any hint of withdrawal or disinterest. When one partner withdraws, it causes the other to withdraw; when one partner gets close, the other responds in turn. The trick is that when both have withdrawn, one of them is going to have to initiate the reconciliation and if both of them are too afraid to be the vulnerable one, the reconciliation may never come.
Avoidant + Avoidant: This is a pairing bound by their shared fear of enmeshment and loss of independence. Both partners need lots of personal space and neither is quick to reach out or get into discussions of their vulnerabilities. This creates a permanent level of superficiality that can feel calm and low-drama, but ultimately, both partners will feel disconnected and lonely - even in the relationship.
Anxious + Secure: Secure Attachers can provide reassurance to an Anxious partner. If Secure can handle the jealousy and neediness for long enough, Anxious may be able to relax and feel safe at some point. Unfortunately, Secure may give up before enough time has passed for Anxious to truly trust them.
Avoidant + Secure: Over time, Secure’s steady and balanced nature can show the Avoidant partner that intimacy doesn’t have to feel threatening and closeness doesn’t have to feel suffocating. As with Anxious, however, Secure is likely to leave the relationship before it gets to this point due to the constant push-and-pull of the Avoidant.
Secure + Secure: Two Secure Attachers bring open communication, mutual respect, emotional maturity, and self-esteem to their relationship. These relationships also have the stressors of daily life and major life events. Certainly they have disagreements, arguments, and personal differences that may create stress or tension in the relationship, but they possess a healthy belief about love and attachment that enables them to form relationship without irrational fears.
Your attachment style is not a fixed characteristic. Therapy, introspection, self-awareness, maturity, and experience can make you more conscious of your fears and trauma responses and move you toward a more secure attachment style, over time.
Knowing and understanding the attachment style of yourself and your partner is not about labeling - it’s to gain insight about how you relate to love, intimacy, conflict, and trust in your relationship. When you know your attachment style and the attachment style of your partner, you will be able to recognize which behaviors are coming from a place of fear. With the goal of being a Secure Attacher, you can then take the necessary steps toward reducing your triggers in order to build and maintain a healthier relationship through trust, security and emotional intimacy.
