January 30, 2022

Why You Lie to Yourself About Dating

Let’s talk about dating - or more accurately, why you are lying to yourself about wanting to date.

As a professional Jewish matchmaker with almost 20 years working with Jewish singles, I’m a first-hand witness to the changes in dating patterns. I assure you, most Jewish singles have removed themselves from dating. Most likely you won’t admit this, but tell me honestly, when was the last time you went on a real date? Face to face? Dinner and drinks - or even coffee and dessert? Even with the most recent Covid variant, dinner and drinks is still on the table.

There are a very few who might still be putting themselves out there, but most who are reading this will reluctantly see themselves in my description; a single who claims to want to meet someone and start a long-term relationship, but who can hardly remember their last real date. How can that be? Everyone is on dating apps and dating sites. Even Facebook can be used for dating, and we know how much time you spend on Facebook. So what’s the problem? You’ve got access to hundreds, if not THOUSANDS of Jewish singles and you aren’t going on dates?

Most likely your brain is coming up with all kinds of excuses right now. You’re telling yourself that there aren’t any good men (or women) out there - all the good ones are taken - the men just want sex and the woman want money - the men only want younger than you - the women only want more successful than you - no one is serious  - you just can’t find the “right” one - the women are bitter manhaters - the men are noncommital and lazy. Oh yes, I’ve heard all the excuses. On top of those old classics you’ve added…he/she’s a “Trumper”…too liberal…doesn’t share my love of skiiing.. is too quiet…doesn’t have enough passion for life…too religious…not religious enough…already has children…divorced too many times…never married…SERIOUSLY????

What is wrong with Jewish singles today? I’ll tell you what is wrong. You don’t want to date. You don’t want to invest the time and effort into getting to know someone. You are too lazy to invest even one evening in meeting another human being to see if there is a connection. You are too lazy to invest one evening getting to know what makes this other person tick. Actually, forget the date - you can’t even muster up the energy for a phone or video chat! The extent of your dating life is texting and emails.

What you are hoping, seeking, and unfortunately, expecting is that an image will come up on your computer screen of someone who you can immediately see has ALL the qualities that you want in your partner. Someone who likes what you like and dislikes what you dislike. Who shares your interests and your lifestyle. If you hate Trump; they hate Trump. If you love Trump: they love Trump. If you work from home and are free to travel; they must be the same because g-d forbid your can’t travel whenever you want. You’re a social butterfly? He/she must also be a social butterfly, because g-od forbit you can’t go to every party that you want to go to. Allergic to cats? Love cats but neutral toward dogs? Forget it. Not tall enough for you. Not fit enough for you. Too nice. Too arrogant. Your same age but you look 20 years younger so no way. Honestly, I’m sick of the excuses.

The reason you are not dating is because you are waiting for the perfect partner to appear on your screen. The perfect partner that you’ll instantly recognize as the “right” one or at least, there is a 99% chance. For THAT person, you will make time for a date. For THAT person, you will pick up the phone. If you don’t see THAT person on your screen, you keep scrolling.

Of course, THAT person needs to have the very same reaction to your face on their screen for anything to move forward and what are the odds of that? Their mind is also evaluating every single aspect of your profile trying to determine if you tick all their boxes. The odds are not good.

So we’re back to square one. You are lazy. You are too lazy to invest any time or energy (outside of the hours some of you spend on dating sites) into meeting a stranger. You are too lazy to invest the hours and days and weeks and months and YEARS it takes to know if the two of you are compatible and if all that time you’re putting in will result in a long-term relationship. You want to know right now if it’s going to work. You want to know right now if someone will relocate - if someone wants to get married - if someone is capable of loving you the way you want to be loved.

Guess what? Investing time and energy is the ONLY way to know that. Meeting strangers who are NOT compatible is part of the journey to meeting one who is. Meeting assholes and players is part of the journey to meeting those who are honest, monogamous and sincere. You cannot bypass this part. You cannot swipe past this part. You cannot scroll past this part. Dating is CRUCIAL to finding that loving, caring, supportive partner that you want. And yes, you will date a LOT of people who are not that person. These dates are NOT wasted! These dates are the stepping stones that help you become clear on the type of person you are most compatible with. They help you become clear on what you absolutely don’t want in a relationship and what you absolutely do want. The failed dates and relationships are lessons that you also need to learn and experience. (I’m going to write a separate blog on this).

I beg you my dear Jewish singles. I became a matchmaker because I wanted to play my small part in bringing Jewish singles together to create Jewish families - with or without children…Jewish connections…Jewish unions.

You need to wake up to the reality that you will never find your partner by sitting at home with a computer. You must date - and you must date a lot. And when you find the person who feels like your person, all the time and effort and energy and tears and frustration and disappointment will all be worth it because that is the price you had to pay for the bliss of what you ultimately found - a loving long-term relationship. Laziness is not part of that equation.