March 31, 2025

Why Singles "Ghost" and How to Respond

Why Singles Ghost | Understanding Modern Dating Disconnection – Sara Malamud

Thanks to online dating, the act of suddenly stopping all communication without explanation now has a term, “ghosting” - and as a Jewish matchmaker, I personally feel it’s one of the rudest and most cowardly behaviors that has come out of the new dating scene. It’s also frustrating and very confusing to the person who is left hanging. From one day to the next, everything changes. You’re texting, you’re laughing, maybe even making plans and then…crickets. You’ve been opening up to someone, sharing, imagining that you’re getting to know each other and suddenly a door slams in your face. A digital disappearing act. You are left with nothing but questions. So why do singles ghost? And when it happens, how should you respond?

Why People Ghost

Conflict Avoidance

I think the most common reason for ghosting is to avoid conflict. They want to skip those inevitable questions; “Why don’t you want a relationship with me?” and “What did I do wrong?” They simply want to avoid an awkward and uncomfortable conversation about why they just aren’t that into you. If they were only in it for the sex or if they are now interested in someone else, the desire for avoidance is amplified. All of the breakup questions feel uncomfortable to someone who was never serious in the first place and just wants out. Ghosting is a quick escape.

Emotional IQ

Ghosting is a high indicator of low emotional IQ and maturity. This person likely has poor communication skills (which you may have already noticed), or upon closer analysis, never really showed much emotional depth or emotional consideration for you. Instead of honest communication, he/she silently retreats into the shadows leaving you to deal with the emotional backlash on your own. They don’t have to get their emotional hands dirty.

No Accountability

In an environment where we can toss someone to the side with a simple swipe, profiles are treated more as resumes than human beings. We’ve become interchangeable; there is always someone else who can quickly take your place. This is intoxicating to someone who gets turned on by the hunt, and online dating is a vast hunting ground. Once you bag one bird, you turn your sights on another. It’s a cold, indifferent game where respect and consideration are lost. With such a vast playing field, daters can feel less responsibility for how they treat others. The anonymity and detachment that comes with dating apps makes it easy for people to ghost, guilt-free.

Not Into You

The point of dating is getting to know someone and determining if this person is a life-long fit. We freak out if we’ve been dating someone for awhile and they decide to move on, but honestly, this is natural. It’s okay for interest to fade or for the spark never to really ignite for your partner. It doesn’t mean that you “did” something wrong or they’ve met someone else, maybe they just aren’t feeling the level of connectedness to you that they want to feel. Instead of having that difficult conversation with you, the person tries to pull away quietly, hoping you will let them go.

Life Stressors

Sometimes ghosting happens when life stressors take over and someone’s attention has to be directed elsewhere. Life can get overwhelming and a personal crisis might hit that leaves your partner with no energy or desire for the relationship. Mental health issues, family matters, work changes - all of these can cause someone to withdraw. Even a respectful person can get blindsided by life. In these cases, communication will fall off but it’s not out of disrespect. Instead, the ghoster is truly overwhelmed by life circumstance and cannot deal with the basics.

Responding to Ghosting

Now that I’ve detailed a few reasons why people ghost, let me detail some positive ways to respond. When you’ve been ghosted, you really are left with a “ghost” - an imprint of both the person and the relationship that no longer feels “real”. Emotionally, this can wreck havoc on your nervous system and throw you in a endless loop of unanswered questions. No matter what the other person has done or his/her reasons for it, you’ve got to get back on level ground and move on.

Don’t Blame Yourself

It goes without saying (but I’m saying it) that the first and most important realization is to understand that this is not about you. Ghosting is about the other person and his/her emotional IQ, accountability, and ability to deal with conflict. Don’t start questioning if you said or did anything “wrong” because if either of those things had happened, a healthy person would have had a conversation with you about it - not disappeared on you. This is not about you and your self-worth is not in question.

Give It a Day or Two

People sometimes need a breather or have to deal with a sudden crisis. If a day to two has passed with no communication, don’t freak out and jump to conclusions - especially if you know there are demands in this person’s life that might temporarily derail them. If they are silent for longer than five days or a week (depending on your previous level of communication), then it is likely you are being ghosted.

Call Them Out

IMO, we spend too much time texting and not enough time talking. Texting is impersonal and nuance-free and it’s easy to miscommunicate. If the texting has suddenly stopped, your inquiries are going unanswered, and you are emotionally invested, pick up the phone and ask what is going on. You have every right to do this and it is not crossing a boundary. You don’t have to be confrontational, just say that you are confused by the sudden halt to communication and you want some clarity. If the relationship is very young and you’ve only spoken by text, or gone out once or twice and a phone call feels too heavy, send a playful but direct text. One of the best responses I’ve seen was in a FB dating group. The woman sent a text saying, “I missed the memo where we stopped talking to each other”. The guy responded right away and even though yes, he was trying to ghost because he just wasn’t feeling invested, at least he admitted his feelings so she could move on. If your message or your phone call is ignored, that is your answer. Nothing else needs to be said. Know that you took the high road and attempted to finalize things respectfully.

Don’t Chase a Ghost

If there is no response to your text or if the phone goes to voicemail, accept that as closure. Actions speak louder than words and actions can’t lie. All you need to know is being conveyed to you loud and clear. As previously mentioned, ghosting says nothing about you, and everything about the ghoster. The reason for the disappearing act doesn’t matter, so tell your restless thoughts that you are moving on and will no longer hold mental space for that person. Spend your energy on people who show up for you, are respectful, and exhibit emotional intelligence.

Practice What you Preach

The change starts with us. If you don’t want or like to be ghosted, then don’t do it to someone else. Live up to the expectations that you have of others and treat people with the same respect and emotional consideration that you want shown to yourself. If you aren’t feeling it for someone, kindly let them know. You don’t have to go into details, a simple “I have enjoyed getting to know you, but I just don’t feel a long-term connection” is more than enough. Even if the person is hurt or disappointed, he/she will be grateful for the clarity and impressed with your honesty. Set the standard for yourself, by how you treat others. To steal a well-worn phrase; “Be the change you want to see in the world”.