October 31, 2024
Red Flags: Lack of Empathy
As a Jewish matchmaker, I’m often asked for relationship advice. One of the most frequent questions I’m asked is how to spot red flags early in the dating process. Most of us are on our best behavior in the early stages of dating, and disordered individuals, even more so. They well know that they need to “hook” you emotionally before relaxing into their baseline personality.
While there are many different signs of a disordered personality, one of the most important to spot is lack of empathy. Sadly, because so many of us were raised by caregivers who may have been emotionally distant with us, we often miss the subtle signs of an unempathetic response in a potential partner. In this month’s post, I want to discuss ten signs that someone may lack empathy, as well as provide you with specific examples so that you can more quickly pick up on the cues.
1. Your partner minimizes/invalidates your feelings
When sharing a problem or concern, their response is that your problem is not that serious, isn’t worth worrying about, or you’re making a big deal out of nothing.
When you are frustrated or feel hurt, they tell you that you’re being too sensitive.
They brush off your worries by telling you that you’re “overthinking” things.
When you’re sad, they tell you it’s just life and to “get over it”.
They dismiss or laugh off things that upset you and tell you they don’t understand why you’re so upset.
2. Your partner rarely offers a sincere apology
Instead of a genuine and direct “I’m sorry”, they say things like “I’m sorry you feel that way” or I’m sorry you feel hurt”.
They respond with “My bad” or “Just joking” and avoid real accountability.
They reply with “I can’t help if that’s the way you interpreted it” or “It’s not my fault you are taking it that way.”
When confronted, they try to shift the blame by saying things like, “I wouldn’t have said/done that if you hadn’t said/done ______ first.”
When you feel hurt by their actions or words, they brush it off as unimportant or no big deal.
3. Your partner focuses the conversation on him/herself
When you begin to share something personal, they will invariably interrupt with their own story and highjack the conversation.
Rather than acknowledging or confirming what you just said, they often reply with, “Well, I think…” and go on to share their own perspective.
If you mention what a hard day you’ve had, they shift to complaining about how tough their day was.
When you share your hobbies or experiences, they will turn the topic onto their own hobbies or experiences, not really listening or paying attention to yours.
When you share about a challenge or struggle you are having, they will quickly tell you how they would handle it and dismiss your concerns.
4. Your partner lacks patience for your vulnerabilities
When you’re emotional, they will change the subject rather than discuss your feelings.
They might roll their eyes or act impatient when you share a fear or worry.
When you share a meaningful memory, they might dismiss it with a joke.
When you get upset, they will call you “dramatic” or tell you that you are creating drama.
They avoid discussing heavy or serious topics and prefer to keep things light.
5. Your partner makes insensitive jokes or comments
You share vulnerabilities and topics that are sensitive for you and they make jokes and show no tenderness for your feelings.
They make subtle, passive-aggressive, or sarcastic comments about your beliefs or things in your background.
They belittle your goals and dreams.
When you get upset about something they say, the response is “I was only joking”, “Why so serious?” or “Can’t you take a joke?”
The make jokes about things that are emotional for you, and are unable to take seriously matters that are important to you.
6. Your partner shows no curiosity about you or your life
When you share something about yourself, they rarely ask follow-up questions or inquire more deeply.
They forget things that you’ve told them and often don’t seem to be really listening to what you say.
If they ask questions, they are surface level questions.
They are more interested in superficial things such as your appearance than in your dreams, thoughts, or feelings.
When you mention something important in your life, they rarely follow up with it later to find out what’s happening or how it’s progressing.
7. Your partner isn’t consistent with showing affection or care
When they want something from you, they become affectionate, but otherwise they are cold and distant.
They might show affection in public, but are distant or dismissive in private.
They will show more kindness or helpfulness to a stranger, than they show to you.
They will help you if it’s convenient and easy for them, but not when it requires them to put in real effort.
When a life challenge comes up or you become ill, they are not emotionally supportive.
8. Your partner rarely sacrifices or compromises for you
They are inflexible and refuse to change plans to fit your schedule.
They only participate in activities that they enjoy - if they don’t enjoy the activity, you go alone or don’t go at all.
If you need assistance, they won’t go out of their way to help you.
They expect you to adjust to their plans, but they won’t adjust to yours.
Even simple choices like which movie or which restaurant become a tug of war.
9. Your partner seems unable to see your perspective
In disagreements, they are never able to see or understand your side.
When you explain your viewpoint, they call it “wrong” or “irrational.”
Any solutions offered are those that suit their viewpoint, not yours.
If you share a need of yours, they will dismiss it or completely ignore it.
They rarely give any validity to your experiences or perspectives.
10. Your partner blames others and rarely takes responsibility
Whatever has gone wrong in their life, they will blame it on someone or something else.
Every problem in their relationships is always the other person’s fault.
They almost always shift the blame to you rather than accepting responsibility.
If they are running late and miss an appointment or engagement, they will always blame it on something outside of their control.
You never see them self-reflect or take responsibility for the results of their own actions.
Empathy is a crucial aspect of a supportive and loving relationship. Being aware of the subtle signs of a lack of empathy can help you weed out people who may seem “good” on the surface, but will eventually prove to be dismissive, emotionally cold, and potentially cruel partners.
