September 30, 2025

Love or Limerence? | Understanding Obsessive Attraction – Sara Malamud

Have you ever obsessively fixated on romantic thoughts of another person?

Did you feel intoxicated by your obsession?

Did that obsession cause you intense emotional highs and lows depending on whether the person seemed to reciprocate your feelings or not?

Did the desire to be loved by this person become an intense longing?

Did your obsession feel like an addiction or a force beyond your control?

If you answered yes to those questions, your feelings of “love” might be something else entirely; your feelings might be “limerence”.

According to Psychology Today, Limerence is defined as “A state of involuntary obsession with another person. The experience of limerence is different from love or lust in that it is based on the uncertainty that the person you desire, called the “limerent object” in the literature, also desires you.”

Wikipedia describes limerence as “The mental state of being madly in love or intensely infatuated, when reciprocation of the feeling is uncertain. This state is characterized by intrusive thoughts and idealization of the loved one (also called “crystallisation"), typically with a desire for reciprocation to form a relationship.”

Professor Dorothy Tennov, a psychologist who coined the term “limerence” in 1979, defined it as “An involuntary, obsessive, and intense mental state of romantic infatuation characterized by intrusive thoughts, fantasies, and a desperate yearning for reciprocation from the object of the infatuation.”

Limerence is an intense infatuation.

An infatuation that you have no control over.

With limerence, liking or loving someone is intense. You daydream about the person more than you see them. You overlook all red flags and flaws, idealize and pedestalize. You obsessively look for similarities between the two of you and believe the other person will rescue you from your problems. You interpret every word, every action as positive proof of their feelings for you - even if you rarely spend time together. Much of limerence is idealization and obsession. You live in the fantasy as a distraction from the real world. You act in ways that get you closer to the person, which can lead to compulsive behavior.

You might be in a romantic relationship with the limerent object, you might be only casually acquainted, or he/she might not know you at all. In some way, the limerent object is not fully available to you but you literally feel as though you can’t live without them.

Who you’re obsessing over is an idealized image that you’ve built in your head. The reality of who the person is, human flaws and all, is completely ignored or minimized. The image you’ve built exaggerates their good qualities. The good things about the person might be traits that you lack. You might believe that by connecting with this person, you will acquire the traits that you lack; this person will fill that lack in you.

Limerence tends to be selfish - the focus is on getting what YOU want  - which is their attention and validation. You seek validating experiences from them and your fantasies are focused on the limerent object giving you what you want. Your mood depends on their validation and you interpret all interactions with them as signs that they are interested in you.

Genuine love is focused on reciprocation and giving. You want the best for your partner and your partner wants the best for you. There is no obsession, no uncontrollable longing. It is a relationship of mutual interest, mutual energy exchange, and a steady care and concern for each other.

Limerence can last for weeks, months, or years. Even if you understand that your feelings are not grounded in reality or you decide that you don’t want this obsession and you try to break free, you may find that you aren’t able to stop yourself from obsessing.

What Causes Limerence?

Insecure attachment styles and unmet emotional needs - which often stem from our experiences in childhood - are common root causes of limerence. Those of us who experienced emotional neglect or apathy in childhood and grew up feeling unloved or unimportant, may develop a heightened need for validation and affirmation from our relationships. This makes us more likely to fall into obsessive limerence. Creating elaborate romantic fantasies is a coping mechanism that lets us escape our feelings of emotional neglect. When caregivers are unable to provide emotional support, love and positive attention, we seek a partner who can fill this void. We struggle to build healthy relationships. For those fearing abandonment or vulnerability, loving someone from afar feels safer than emotionally connecting with them in a real way. We create a daydream in which to spend our time, rather than facing a reality that might be painful or empty. Limerence is like a drug, a high that keeps us numb to our daily struggles. It lifts us out of our painful, lonely, or empty life. Limerence becomes our go-to coping mechanism.

Four Stages of Limerence:

ATTRACTION: The first spark: excitement, butterflies, strong attraction. You are drawn to the person and begin to idealize him/her. You have a physical reaction when you see them.

OBSESSION: You can’t stop thinking about the person. You fantasize about them reciprocating your feelings. A glance or smile from them amplifies your obsession.

ELATION & DESPAIR: The dopamine rollercoaster - when they reciprocate your feelings; you’re high, when they don’t; you crash. Your life is consumed by longing, hope, and fear of rejection.

RESOLUTION & TRANSFORMATION: Your feelings gradually fade - maybe through disillusionment or rejection, or you experience a serious heartbreak - which has the potential to lead to major transformation in you.

HOW TO BREAK FREE:

Identify your feelings as limerence and understand how it shows up in your life.

Challenge your thoughts. Is this my imagination? Do the facts support the fantasy?

Question whether or not it is “normal” to spend so much time fantasizing about someone.

Control the urge to move too quickly in the relationship or immediately jump to intense daydreams about the person.

Get comfortable with slower paced relationships - trust and love take time to build.

Learn to emotionally regulate yourself. Work through your fears of abandonment and rejection.   

Heal from your past trauma.

Strive to build a secure attachment style.

Limerence Long Term

Limerence often starts like the infatuation stage of every romantic relationship - the difference is the level of obsession and fantasizing which develops. If the attraction is healthy and the relationship is stable, limerence can shift into genuine love and attachment. If the relationship is fueled by instability or emotional unavailability, limerence may continue for a long time, marked by extreme emotional highs and lows. Sometimes only harsh rejection or a concentrated effort to end the illusion and face reality brings the obsession to an end.

Have you experienced limerence? Take this online quiz and find out!