January 30, 2025

Jewish Matchmaker Journal: The Great Divide: A guide to finding love by seeing past our differences

We live in an increasingly polarized world where it’s getting more and more difficult to see past our differences when seeking love and a lasting relationship. It’s also never been more important to be able to do so. Whether it’s political preference or personal values, sometimes it feels you will never meet someone who is compatible. At this time in history, it’s more important than ever to recall the adage, “Love is a bridge”. Love IS a bridge. In it’s pure form, love shows us a way to bridge our divides, differing perspectives, and conflicting viewpoints. How do we create such an elevated form of love? We focus on empathy, communication, and commitment to seeing past the differences and into the heart of our humanity.



The Core of Love



Empathy is the core of love. Empathy is the ability to connect with, understand, and share the feelings of another being. Empathy requires a genuine interest in others and an open heart. Empathy isn’t reserved only for people who share our interests, opinions, or perspectives. Empathy is connecting on a deeper level than those superficial commonalities. When you meet someone who has a different opinion or perspective than yours, the first impulse might be to argue and defend your view. Instead of a defensive stance, chose curiosity. Become curious and interested in the other perspective and try to see the subject through the eyes of the other person. Ask questions that give you insight into the person - why do they believe that? What life experiences have led them to this belief? How has their life experience led them to a different perspective than yours? And where are the similarities in your differing perspectives? Listen without judgment, which shows both empathy and respect for their humanity even if they don’t share your viewpoint.



Self-awareness is also part of empathy. Being able to objectively see your own biases and how you reached them, helps you keep a balanced perspective. It’s natural to feel defensive when you’re passionate about an issue - especially if you see it as the one “truth”. But truth is often subjective, and if you can step back, see your own blind spots, and proceed with less personal emotion, you will engage more effectively and deeply with the other person. Empathetic dialog with another person is more about understanding and less about persuasion.



Honest Communication



If you’ve set your heart on building a relationship that transcends differences, open and honest communication is essential. You’ve got to be able to speak your truth, as well as listen and accept the truth of your partner. The two of you must create a space where each of you feels comfortable sharing your true feelings and perspectives.



Here are a few tips for creating the space for honest and open dialog:



Listen and learn: Listen intently to your partner’s words and tone, and pay attention to his/her body language. Mirror back what you think you’ve heard in order to show interest and ensure that you accurately understand his/her perspective.



Use "I" statements: Don’t react by saying: “You’re wrong”, “That’s ridiculous”, or “How can you think that way?”.  Speak from your perspective without belittling. If you must disagree, keep an open-dialog and reduce defensiveness by using “I” statements such as “ I see it differently because….” or “I find it challenging to accept that perspective because….”. This will keep the dialog open and moving forward.



Point out similarities: Even with differing opinions, you can find some points of similarity. Maybe both of you seek fairness or a certain morality. Pointing out where the two of you agree helps firm up the foundation of love, which supports the dialog and relationship.



Agree to disagree: There is nothing wrong with disagreement. In fact, it’s normal between couples. If you reach an impasse don’t storm off in a huff. It’s okay to disagree. Real love doesn’t require, expect, or demand uniformity in thought. If you have to end the discussion by agreeing to disagree, there is nothing wrong with that.



Choose Love



We often idealize love as a romanticized feeling that is always pleasant and simply exists. Love is not only a feeling, to love is also a deliberate choice and bringing love into the world involves action and conscious expression. When you choose to love someone regardless of your differences, you also choose patience, humility, acceptance, and a willingness to grow. This is a deep love that transcends chemistry and visual attraction. This is a love that prioritizes your partner and the relationship over your need to be right. It’s a love that values the person, more than the topic or the disagreement.



Long-term friendships between people who hold opposing views are a great example of this type of love. The reason these friendships endure is because the differences are not the priority; the priority is the friendship. There is much to admire in another person outside of the few different opinions you may have. Don’t focus on your differences, focus on your similarities. And when the differences feel as though they are causing a rift, approach them with kindness, respect, and acceptance.



Shared Experiences



One of the most powerful ways to connect is through shared experiences. Sharing an experience, whether it be a shared hobby, volunteering together, tackling a challenge together, or just making time to share a private, uninterrupted meal together is one of the best ways to bond. The ups and downs, challenges, disappointments, and joys of life - when shared with your partner - are the cement that creates that unbreakable union. Sharing experiences means shared memories - memories that make you laugh, and memories that make you cry - but those shared experiences are a powerful antidote to division.



Sharing experiences through telling your own personal story is another important way that couples connect. Being vulnerable enough to share your life experiences as well as your deepest thoughts, emotions, and feelings with your partner activates empathy and gives your partner the opportunity to see and understand the world through your eyes. Actively listening to someone else’s story also allows you to gain clarity on where that person is “coming from” and can help you understand their perspective in a way that simply hearing he/she state their position, cannot.



Healthy Boundaries



Healthy boundaries comes up in pretty much every discussion around relationships. Love demands connection, and connection demands healthy boundaries. As much as you may want a relationship to work, not every disagreement can be resolved amicably and not every relationship should be preserved. If your partner’s beliefs or behavior is harmful to your well-being, it’s okay to step away. As much as you want love to endure, it must be a healthy love that nourishes both of you. Boundaries are crucial for insuring self-protection when we are opening up to others in compassion and understanding.



The Bigger Picture



For love to last a lifetime, both partners must be able to see the bigger picture, and seeing the bigger picture often require you to “not sweat the small stuff”. You need to see the broader perspective of your relationship. The majority of our differences of opinion are around issues that don’t have much influence in our daily life. They may feel personal to us, but in reality, they aren’t really touching our lives. If we realize that most of the stuff is the small stuff, we come to the table with humility, humor, and the understanding that no one person has all the answers or is always right. Our perspectives are created by factors beyond our control - including our upbringing, our culture, our religion, our personal experience, and much more.



When we understand this, we are able to approach differences with compassion and acceptance. We no longer view disagreement as a threat, but rather as an opportunity for personal learning and growth.



Eyes on the Prize



Lifelong relationships don’t happen by accident. They happen by intent. Love that lasts a lifetime isn’t just going to happen - it’s going to happen with conscious awareness and effort. Love requires us to look beyond ourself, choose connection - even when it’s hard, and get out of our comfort zone. Seeing past differences and focusing on love creates richer relationships, deeper understandings, and ultimately, a more compassionate world. It’s not necessary to think alike or eliminate differences. Respect your differences, learn from them, and never lose sight of the shared humanity in each of us. This is what truly connects us.


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