February 28, 2025
Jewish Matchmaker Journal: Balancing Independence and Togetherness in a Romantic Relationship
Striking a balance between personal autonomy and togetherness can be very tricky in a romantic relationship, but it's crucial for long-term happiness. Couples who aren't able to achieve this balance run the risk of becoming enmeshed, losing their individual sense of self, or distancing from each other and risking emotional detachment. Media often portrays unhealthy enmeshment as a romantic ideal, but in reality, this is a very unhealthy dynamic. Optimally, a strong and healthy relationship allows each partner to retain their individuality and enjoy personal growth, while also fostering a deeply intimate relationship with the other. Unfortunately, many couples find it very hard to find this balance and all too often, one partner ends up feeling like they are "losing themselves" in the relationship.
Understanding the Importance of Both Independence and Togetherness
Before I get into specific strategies for maintaining a balance between independence and togetherness, it's important to understand why both elements matter to a healthy relationship.
Independence: Having a strong self of self outside of your relationship builds confidence, resilience, and self-esteem - and allows for a greater degree of personal growth. Engaging in separate activities such as exploring your own hobbies and interests, spending time with your own group of friends, and spending time alone ensures that when you come together with your partner, you bring your best self - with your unique contribution of information, experience, and knowledge. Exploring personal interests and activities doesn't need to stop just because you are in a relationship. On the contrary, putting your life to the side for the sake of togetherness usually leads to becoming overly reliant on your partner for your own happiness, which is not conducive to either of you.
Togetherness: Emotional and physical closeness between partners builds intimacy, trust, and ultimately - a sense of security. Shared experiences are a great way to learn about each other and grow closer. Through shared activities, you will quickly see both the best and worst qualities in your partner (and vice versa!), you will learn how to work together when faced with challenges, what each other's strengths and weaknesses are and how to balance those qualities in each other, and you will build a timeline of shared memories to draw upon. These shared memories reinforce the foundation of your relationship.
Finding a balance between independence and togetherness ensures that neither partner feels suffocated or neglected - and that the relationship thrives.
Open Communication
A key factor for balancing independence and togetherness is maintaining open, honest, and clear communication. Each of you should feel comfortable and safe expressing your individual needs, wants, boundaries, and concerns. Listen to your partner with the goal of having a clear understanding of his/her needs. A major point of discussion should be clarifying how much time each of you needs apart and how much together time you feel comfortable with. Which events or interests do you want to participate in as a couple, and which would you prefer to handle alone or to pass on? How will you divide holidays with family or other family-related occasions? Will it be okay if one of you doesn't feel like going to a family event? How do you feel about girl's or guy's nights out? Remember to check in regularly to discuss if either of you is feeling neglected or suffocated or if the parameters need to be adjusted. Checking in enables you to adjust expectations, prevent misunderstandings, and maintain the balance.
Supporting Each Other
In a balanced relationship, differing interests and pursuits are not seen as a threat to the relationship. On the contrary, they allow for personal growth of each partner and ensure that each of you is regularly bringing something new to the relationship. It's not realistic to think that your perfect partner is going to share every single one of your interests, friends, or perspectives. A healthy union contains space for each partner to pursue their passions, interests, hobbies, dreams, and goals. Your partner should be your biggest supporter, and vice versa. Knowing that your partner is by your side as someone who enthusiastically supports and encourages you to pursue your passion and chase your dream, strengthens the relationship and the love. Encourage your partner to engage with the world in whatever interests them and don't feel threatened by their independence; instead, be their cheerleader and celebrate their wins.
Mutual Boundaries
Boundaries are what define where you end and the other person begins. Enmeshment blurs the line between personal boundaries which is why enmeshed couples quickly lose their sense of self. A healthy relationship dynamic is dependent upon healthy boundaries. How do you set healthy boundaries? During your open communication define what "alone time" means to each of you. Set boundaries around friendships, your work/life balance, social events, family obligations, down-time, etc. Brainstorm topics that you think might come up or are specific to only your relationship. Would you be okay with your partner going on vacation alone? How about a fishing weekend? Are there certain friends that your partner doesn't feel comfortable around? How do you handle work conflicts or overtime demands? When you have clarity on your boundaries, you reduce conflict and allow the relationship to flourish with neither of you feeling controlled or ignored.
Of course, conflict is part of every relationship and cannot be completely eliminated. Differing needs for space or closeness can lead to tension if one partner feels smothered while the other feels abandoned. Try not to take your differences personally. If your partner needs more space than you, it doesn't mean they love you less. Space is a very individual thing and often has a lot to do with a person's level of introversion and extraversion. If the amount of personal time needed causes insecurity in a partner, find a middle ground that you both can be happy with. Compromise will likely be necessary when setting boundaries. As you navigate the balance, make sure to always communicate your love and commitment to each other.
Points to Remember
The goal is to cultivate your individual identities while staying connected.
Maintain your personal interests whether they be as reading, fitness, painting, traveling, etc. Continue to engage in the hobbies that you love and try new activities that spark your interest.
Maintain friendships with people outside of your romantic relationship. You've made friends over the years with people who are important to you. Don't neglect these relationships. They are part of who you are and they provide emotional support outside of your romantic partnership.
Maintain independence in personal decisions and perspectives. Major life choices and decisions that affect your relationship and your partner need to be discussed and decided together, but smaller decisions such as how to spend your free time, or what interests to pursue can be make individually. You will undoubtedly differ in some of your world views and perspectives. It's okay to vote differently or to have opposing opinions on major topics. You are allowed to have your own opinions.
Maintaining connection while cultivating individuality assures that both partners feel supported, valued, and appreciated.
Whether it's a weekly date night, sharing morning coffee and the crossword, a neflix binge of your favorite show, or certain holiday traditions that are specific to the two of you, create shared rituals that make your together time feel special and personal.
You will likely share an interest in some of the same hobbies and activities - engage in these as a couple and seek out new hobbies and activities to try together. Often, having someone that will do something new with you is encouragement to try something for the first time that you might be reluctant to try on your own. Take advantage of your "partner in crime" by stepping out of your comfort zone and experience a new thrill together.
Handle your conflicts with respect, understanding, and compassion for each other. Some people have a strong need for enmeshment due to childhood trauma and it will require patience and flexibility to get to the point of feeling comfortable with a partner's independence and alone time. Other people quickly feel smothered by togetherness and have a low threshold for shared activities. Seek to understand the needs of each other with the goal of finding that balance where both of you can feel safe, valued, and appreciated.
Relationships Change
Relationships are not static, life happens, and the balance between independence and togetherness is likely to shift over time. Changes in work life, family obligations, and external circumstances will inevitably occur and will need to be taken into consideration. If one of you is going through a stressful time, the other may need to provide extra support and closeness. If one of you is pursuing a new career goal or has a sudden family crisis, the other may need to allow more space. Be flexible, keep the communication open, and understand that needs will evolve and adapting to change is part of a healthy relationship.
Spending time apart or alone isn't an indication of disconnection or a sign of less love, it's a way for humans to recharge, grow, and bring fresh energy to all their relationships. When each partner feels happy and fulfilled, they bring that satisfaction to the relationship dynamic and contribute more positively to the union. The healthiest relationships are those where each partner feels a sense of personal freedom, while also feeling deeply connected to each other and the relationship.
