A Jewish Matchmaker asks,“Have you given up on love?”.

As a Jewish matchmaker with over a decade of experience, I want to call out a mindset that seems to be growing – the resignation of many singles that they are destined to be alone.

As someone who strongly believes that we create much of our reality through our thoughts and beliefs, this feels like a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you tell yourself that you are destined to be alone, you will emit a negative energy that will ensure your belief becomes your reality. Even if you disagree with my perspective, we can at least agree that having such a negative mindset will not help you find a partner, right?

Negative Destiny

Let’s call this mindset “Negative Destiny” – now imagine Negative Destiny on a dating site. There will be some hope of finding a compatible partner as they scroll through the profiles, but always at the back of their mind is that nagging fear – they are destined to be alone. So what happens? This negative energy infects their search – and reveals itself in the mental chatter and judgement they heap upon each profile they read – always finding something in the profile that would prevent true compatibility. Maybe Negative Destiny is a cat lover and the match has a dog – immediately Negative Destiny rules out the match. Or the profile mentions shared custody of children and immediately Negative Destiny feels “there won’t be enough time for me”.

There is no open heart or open mind when you believe you are destined to be alone. It’s a fatalist view that will only project negativity. It is giving up before the game is over.

What happens if Negative Destiny views a profile that rings all the bells and whistles? A profile of someone who “looks perfect”?  With a “destined to be alone” mantra, Negative Destiny may immediately decide that the match is “out of my league” or fear that they will be rejected if they reach out, so they continue scrolling. If they do reach out, they will be on pins and needles until they receive a response, and if there is no response or the response is a refusal, it reinforces and strengthens their belief in their aloneness.

A Glimmer of Hope

What happens if the response is positive? What if the match responds and they begin communicating with the goal of meeting face-to-face? Initially, this brings hope to Negative Destiny – a glimmer of potential happiness on the horizon. But fear is the opposite of love – where fear grows, love cannot – and that tiny bud of happiness and hope will eventually be smothered by the perceived destiny of aloneness.

Something will eventually come up to confirm that this is another dead end. A differing interest or perspective or trait will get overblown by Negative Destiny and become the reason for the breakup. Someone else might see compromise as the solution, but Negative Destiny doesn’t think that way. Negative Destiny seeks a perfect match – compromise feels too much like relinquishing part of oneself – and since no one is a perfect match in every way, the relationship will not move forward.

If by some miracle, a relationship begins to build, it will be on shaky ground for Negative Destiny. There will always be something to be afraid of or to find fault with; this is not a strong foundation for a long-term relationship. Eventually, the lack of self-esteem that creates the “I’m destined to be alone” mentality will eat through the relationship – it will creep into all the spaces where there is disconnect or opposing viewpoints, and soon the spaces will feel too big to bridge. The relationship will end.

When that happens, Negative Destiny is strengthened in their belief and scurries back to that comfort zone that is often found in “I told you so.”

The Antidote

What is the antidote to Negative Destiny? First, you must build up self-esteem. Self-esteem is belief in your VALUE and PERSONAL WORTH. The destined to be alone mindset is often accompanied by lack of self-esteem. No one who believes he/she is valuable and worthy will accept that they are destined to be alone. Self-esteem understands that current life circumstances can turn on a dime and part of the intrigue of tomorrow is that anything can happen.

Another antidote to Negative Destiny is Positive Destiny!!! YOU must be the gatekeeper of your thoughts. Do not allow negative, self-defeating thoughts to grow. Observe them come and go while allowing positive thoughts to take root and flourish. You must control what you allow in – I call this having mental boundaries.

Thirdly, cultivate trust in the universe – trust in G-d – trust in yourself. Trust that what is meant for you will always come to you – trust that there is a time and season for everything and if your season of love has not yet arrived, use the time for self-growth, self-healing, and self-love. Cultivate IN YOURSELF all the traits that you are looking for in a partner. And most importantly, ACCEPT and LOVE the not-so-perfect traits in yourself so that you can accept and love the no-so-perfect traits that you will inevitably see in someone else.

This is how you counter “destined to be alone”. You see it for what it is – a bad vibe – a monumental UNtruth – a thought which stems from fear. Do not fear aloneness – embrace it as a time for self-growth and the doorway to your true destiny – which is always one of positivity, joy, acceptance, trust, and love. 

To learn how to accept differing perspectives, click here.

For tips on building self-esteem, click here