A Jewish Matchmaker’s Guide to Letting Go
Break-ups are never easy. Even if you know it’s the right thing to do, there is still a feeling of loss for what might have been. The intensity of that feeling is even greater if you wanted the relationship to continue. So how do you deal with the pain and sense of loss after a breakup? How do you let go of the dream?
The first step is to be kind to yourself. Accept the emotions that you are experiencing and let them come. Don’t try to bury the pain or fill the hole by acting out. The pain and loss of a breakup is part of the process of learning and growing and becoming a better partner in your next relationship.
Remember that you are mourning the loss of a dream. If that dream had been a reality, you probably wouldn’t have split up, so that dream is probably contingent upon someone “changing” something about him/herself to make the relationship work. Some changes are necessary for a healthy relationship; some people do have issues to work on. But if you or your partner are not ready or willing to make those changes, then that dream you are mourning never had a chance to become reality. There was a legitimate reason for the breakup, and if one of you decided to bow out and move on, then on some level, it was for the best.
Let go of the fear. We often have a problem letting go of a past relationship out of fear of being alone. We tell ourselves it would be better to suffer through the difficulties with this person, than to be alone with the possibility of never finding anyone else to love us. Fear is never a healthy reason to stay in a relationship, and you can never fully love another person if a part of your connection is fear of being alone. If you really think no one else will love you, ask yourself why. Maybe there are some character traits in yourself that could be improved upon to make you a better partner. If the issue is so deep that you are convinced you won’t find someone else, then it probably contributed to the demise of this relationship and is worth healing.
Ultimately, letting go is about acceptance. Accept that for whatever reason, this one just wasn’t meant to be. And that’s okay. Focus on becoming a more loving, giving, nurturing partner and let your next relationship reap the benefits.