July 31, 2024
Jewish Matchmaker Journal: The Romanticization of Dysfunction
Media plays a major role in shaping our perceptions and attitudes about relationships. Through movies, television shows, music, and social media, we are bombarded with narratives that influence how we view love and romance. Media portrays dysfunctional relationships as not only acceptable, but romantic and desirable. I was caught by this narrative at the young age of five, when I watched Cinderella for the first time. The idea of a handsome prince who would sweep me off my feet and rescue me from my miserable life stayed with me through most of adulthood. It’s only as I’ve matured in my view of romance that I’ve come to recognize the dysfunction inherent in many of the romantic scenarios that we are presented with. In this blog, I want to explore how media conditions us to accept and romanticize dysfunctional relationships and the implications on our real-life relationships.
Normalizing Abuse
Dysfunctional relationships in media often feature jealousy, possessiveness, emotional manipulation, and other forms of abuse, yet they are frequently framed as passionate and deeply romantic. The characters in these relationships are shown as intensely in love and their tumultuous interactions are depicted as signs of a deep - albeit troubled, connection. This romanticization normalizes toxic behaviors and creates the belief that these are typical behaviors of a passionate relationship. Sadly, many adults are conditioned to feel that if their relationship is too calm and going too well, something must be wrong and they begin to create drama just to feel the excitement and passion that they believe are behaviors representing “true love”. As a Jewish matchmaker, I often see singles decline a match who doesn’t feel “exciting” enough. FYI singles, it’s not excitement you should be looking for; it’s compatibility.
Movies and Television
Two of the most obvious platforms where media romanticizes dysfunctional relationships are film and television. Popular films and TV shows often depict relationships with extreme highs and lows, where intense arguments and dramatic breakups are followed by passionate reconciliations. The "Twilight" saga portrays Edward and Bella’s relationship as deeply romantic, despite Edward’s controlling and often obsessive behavior. Similarly, in "Fifty Shades of Grey," Christian Grey’s manipulative and controlling actions are framed as signs of his love and passion for Anastasia.
These portrayals help cement the idea that love is inherently tumultuous and that enduring this turmoil is a sign of true commitment and devotion. Young viewers, in particular, internalize these messages, believing that dysfunction is a normal part of romantic relationships. These “young viewers” grow into adults who seek that turmoil as proof of deep feelings of love and subsequently, may tolerate infidelity, dishonesty, emotional and/or physical abuse because they associate dysfunctional and unhealthy behaviors with love and romance.
Music
Music is another powerful medium that shapes our understanding of relationships. Countless songs romanticize jealousy, possessiveness, and heartache. Lyrics often glorify the idea of enduring pain and suffering for the sake of love. Many love songs portray breakups and reconciliations as part of a passionate love story. When a narrative that true love is worth any hardship is repeated enough times, your brain begins to accept it as the norm. How many love songs can you name that describe a calm, balanced interaction between two loving people. (Pardon me for a minute - until I stop laughing).
Social Media
Social media plays a significant role in perpetuating unrealistic ideals and romanticizing dysfunction. Influencers, celebrities, and everyday “friends” share curated images and stories that highlight the highs and the passions of their relationships while glossing over the lows. This creates a distorted view of reality, where relationships are seen as fairy tales, and underlying issues are ignored. When these fairy tale storylines are all you see, you lose sight of the fact that every couple must work through the very real day-to-day struggles of life. Glamorizing relationships and focusing only on the highlights leads followers to believe that the normal challenges and struggles of a relationship are signs that they are “with the wrong person”, instead of the normal result of human interaction.
The same can be said of the relationship memes shared on social media. Many (if not most) of the memes promote the idea that if your partner isn’t thinking of you 24/7, anticipating your every need, prioritizing you over all else - all the time, and continually praising you and declaring his/her inability to survive without you, they don’t deserve you. I myself have been guilty of posting memes that no human being could ever live up to. This is unrealistic BS. Let’s focus on memes of compromise, forgiveness, and understanding because these are the qualities that enable a long-term relationship to thrive. When your partner isn’t the perfect ideal, ending the relationship is presented as a simple and optimal solution. Naming a dating site “Plenty of Fish” is clever, but it’s also flippant and misleading.
The Impact on Real-Life Relationships
The media’s portrayal of dysfunctional relationships as romantic has several negative impacts on individuals and society.
Normalization of Toxic Behavior: When media consistently presents toxic behavior as a part of love, it normalizes these behaviors, making them seem acceptable or even desirable. Individuals may tolerate or seek out relationships with similar dynamics, believing that such patterns are a sign of deep love and passion.
Unrealistic Expectations: The dramatization of relationships in media can set unrealistic expectations. People may come to expect constant excitement, leading to dissatisfaction with stable and less tumultuous real-life relationships. This can result in individuals undervaluing healthy, stable relationships in favor of more dramatic, yet unhealthy ones.
Emotional and Psychological Harm: Internalizing these media messages can also lead to emotional and psychological harm. Accepting dysfunctional behaviors as normal can result in individuals staying in unhealthy relationships and putting up with emotional or physical abuse. The belief that love requires suffering can prevent individuals from seeking help or leaving toxic relationships.
The Wrap Up
Media’s portrayal of dysfunctional relationships as romantic and desirable is a concerning fact that has significant implications for real-life relationships. By normalizing toxic behaviors and setting unrealistic expectations, media influences us to accept or even seek out unhealthy dynamics. To desire and create healthier relationships, we need to be able to recognize these dysfunctional narratives for what they are, and consciously operate against this norm. Mutual respect, open communication, honesty, and a balanced and appropriate emotional response are the basics to look for in a partner - not the overblown intensity and drama that media represents as love.
