September 30, 2024

Jewish Matchmaker Journal: Romantic Love or Physical Attraction?

Do you ever wonder if your relationship is building on love that has the potential to last, or if what you (or your partner) are feeling is simply lust with a likely end? Physical attraction is nearly impossible to ignore or repress so it’s common that a couple who feels that attraction will become physical long before any real foundation of love has been built. Of course, healthy romantic love optimally contains a lusty attraction - certainly in the early stages, but lust on it’s own, is far removed from romantic love, it’s all about the physical. So how do you know the difference?

Romantic love is a complex and multifaceted emotion but it takes time for such love to grow. So how do you know if what you are feeling is a deep emotional connection or only a physical one? In this post, I hope to help you answer that question.

Emotional Intimacy:

At the core of romantic love is emotional intimacy. This deep connection transcends the physical and involves a profound understanding and acceptance of one another. Emotional intimacy fosters a sense of trust, companionship, and understanding that is the foundation to a bond that can withstand the test of time. Partners share their dreams, fears, and vulnerabilities, allowing each other to understand and support each other. This emotional connection forms the foundation of a lasting and meaningful romantic relationship.

Do you and your partner share your vulnerabilities without fear of ridicule or shame? Can you voice your dreams, your fears, your hopes, your innermost thoughts? Does this relationship feel like a safe place to share on such a personal level? Does your partner listen intently and compassionately when you reveal your secrets? Does he/she open up to you with the same degree of intimacy?

The desire to know your partner on a deep level that goes far past the physical shows that the connection you are feeling is not just about sex.

Shared Values and Goals:

Romantic love thrives when partners share common values, goals, and aspirations. Beyond the initial sparks of attraction, a sustainable romantic connection is built on a mutual respect for what each of you values in life. This shared vision creates a sense of purpose and unity that goes beyond the physical. The alignment of values provides a solid framework for a couple to navigate life's challenges together, which strengthens their connection over time.

It’s a common refrain that “opposites attract”. In the early stages of a relationship, someone with dramatically different perspectives, values, or priorities can seem very exciting because they get you out of your comfort zone. This feels exhilarating because your heightened emotional state releases a lot of dopamine into your body. The dopamine reward system is notorious for it’s role in sexual attraction - as well as romantic love - so you can quickly fall into a relationship that you think is connected to something deeper than the physical. Over time, however, those differences in perspective, values, and priorities often become the cause of fights and disagreements.

Intellectual Compatibility:

Intellectual compatibility is another important aspect of romantic love. Engaging conversations and the feeling that you are on a similar intellectual wavelength go a long way to creating feelings of connection and mutual understanding, which can lead to love. We all know how awesome it feels to be on the same wavelength as another person - whether it be intellect, perspective, shared values, desires - whatever. Being on the same intellectual wavelength with a partner makes you feel that you’ve mentally “met your match”, which helps you feel understood by your partner. Feeling understood is so rare that when you are with someone who really seems to get you, understands what you are verbalizing, and can communicate on your level, being with them is very stimulating. I think one of the easier ways to determine if your relationship is deeper than just physical is whether or not you and your partner stimulate each other intellectually.

Support and Companionship:

In long-lasting romantic relationships, support and companionship play a pivotal role. Love is expressed by being there for each other through thick and thin and providing emotional support during challenging times. This type of companionship is rooted in a genuine concern for each other's well-being. Being able to rely on your partner for emotional support creates a bond that far outlasts the transient nature of physical attraction.

The challenges and hardships of life such as losing a loved one, facing a severe illness or injury, financial losses and stresses, family dynamics, and major life changes are events that occur as life progresses so it’s impossible to know if someone will “be there for you” at the early stages of a relationship. Feelings of deep love grow when a partner shows up for you and wants to be your source of comfort and support through the most difficult times of your life.

If you’re dating someone who disappears when a stressful event in your life happens or leaves you to handle it on your own, their feelings for you likely don’t run too deep. When an attraction is only physical, the desire to get involved or go out of your way to be there for someone is weak. On a basic level, they may voice support but they won’t invest much time, energy, or emotion into what you’re going through. Love is about by showing up for someone over and over and over again.

The Evolution of Physical Intimacy:

While physical attraction is a significant component of romantic love, it is just one piece of the puzzle. The evolution of physical attraction to romantic love is a complicated and time-intensive journey. Physical attraction will ebb and flow, but a deep emotional connection is what sustains a relationship over time and the challenges of life.

Romantic love is not solely about the initial sparks of passion; it forms out of a shared emotional intimacy, intellectual stimulation, shouldering life’s inevitable pain and loss together - as well as life’s joys and beauty and successes.

Shared experiences, both big and small, create the fabric of a romantic relationship. These shared memories form a sense of nostalgia between partners that reinforce the emotional connection. Shared experiences strengthen the foundation of love, making it resilient to the ups and downs of life.