December 01, 2024

Jewish Matchmaker Journal: Red Flags: Passive Aggression

As a Jewish matchmaker, I’m up close and personal to some of the most destructive and self-sabotaging behaviors that affect human relationships. Last month, I wrote about the red flag of lack of empathy - a trait that makes it impossible to have a healthy and happy long term union. In this post, I will highlight the subtle signs of passive aggressiveness in a partner. Those of us with empathy often second guess ourselves and our gut instincts. We often let behaviors “slide” or give excuses for what we’re experiencing. Quite frankly, that is codependent behavior - but that’s for another post. :-)

Below are ten signs (and examples!) of passive aggressive behaviors that will erode your self-esteem and your relationship. Taken separately, each could be simply a personality flaw to be improved upon, but if you see many of these behaviors in your partner, it’s a red flag that this person is likely not the best choice if you seek a healthy long term relationship.

1. Procrastination

• Does your partner consistently put off major projects around the home that are crucial and need immediate attention even though he/she promised to take care of it?


• Does your partner delay discussing important topics such as finances, family dynamics, future plans, having children, marriage, and other issues?


• Does your partner fail to follow through on commitments and plans such as scheduling appointments and dates, not showing up for planned events (or always running late), changing or cancelling plans at the last minute?


• Does your partner routinely put off small requests such as responding to your messages, finishing chores, helping you complete a project, and making important decisions?


• Does your partner cause stress by waiting until the last minute to fulfill obligations.?

2.  Going silent

• Does your partner refuse to talk, text, or respond to you, hours or days after a disagreement?


• Does your partner leave the room, go to another part of the home, or spend time elsewhere to avoid interaction?


• Does your partner speak in one-word answers (“fine”, “ok”, “whatever”) instead of engaging in meaningful dialog?


• Does your partner avoid eye-contact or purposefully refuse to look at you as a form of disengagement?


• Does your partner pretend not to hear you or refuse to answer you?

3.  Backhanded compliments

• Would your partner say, “I’m surprised you pulled that off,” instead of complimenting your achievement?


• Would your partner say, “You look great today… I almost didn’t recognize you,” or “Dinner was really good tonight - much better than last night.”


• When praising your work, would your partner say, “You actually did a good job on that!” - as if it was unexpected or “I didn’t expect you to fix that!” - as if you lack in ability?


• Would you partner say things like “You’re not usually this fun/romantic/thoughtful!”, “I didn’t think you could pull that off!”, or “I’m surprised you know that!”

4. Withholds information

• Does your partner dodge direct questions or give vague answers to your inquiries?


• Does your partner leave out important details when giving an explanation, creating more confusion?


• Does your partner often claim that he/she “forgot” to mention something important after the fact?


• Does your partner often avoid discussing certain topics and instead, brings the focus back to you?


• Does your partner refuse to share useful resources, advice, or his/her assistance?

5.  Playing dumb

• Does your partner act as if he/she doesn’t understand what you want as a way to avoid doing something?


• Does your partner pretend not to know how use something or do something to avoid assisting you?


• Does your partner repeatedly “forget” how you like something to be done or what foods you like/dislike? For example, he/she “forgets” how you like your coffee or that you're allergic to onions?


• Does your partner act confused or unaware when it’s time to take an action, complete a task, or solve an issue?


• Does your partner expect you to handle something because he/she “can’t figure it out”?


• Does you partner pretend to have forgotten about an engagement, appointment, or commitment at the last minute?

6. Responds in annoyance

• Does your partner sigh, huff, or roll their eyes when you ask for his/her assistance?


• Does your partner respond to you with sarcasm or in a sharp tone?


• Does your partner respond in a louder voice or a tone that indicates frustration during simple conversations?


• Does your partner signal impatience by interrupting and cutting you off in the middle of what you are saying?


• Does your partner deliberately look away or turn away when you are speaking?

7. Sabotaging you

• Does your partner provide incorrect direction or information to set you up for failure?


• Does your partner “forget” to pass along a message or important information that will negatively affect something you are involved in?


• Does your partner mock you, tease you, or put you down in an effort to lower your confidence?


• Does your partner start an argument or bring up something distressing right before an important event or presentation?


• Does your partner encourage unhealthy behavior like skipping your workout, eating off your diet, missing a class, or neglecting self-care?


• Does your partner put down your abilities or discourage you from learning or trying something new, taking a new position, or accepting an opportunity?

8. Plays the Victim

• Does your partner take constructive criticism as an attack?


• Does your partner act overwhelmed or stressed when you bring up a minor issue?


• Does your partner always blame you, an ex, family, and others for his/her mistakes and refuse accountability?


• Does your partner blame you for his/her unhappiness, struggles, faults, or perceived failures?


• Does your partner exaggerate his/her struggles and stresses in order to get sympathy?


• Does your partner blame his/her behavior on being mistreated in the past - either in childhood or previous relationships?

9. Refusal to commit/avoidance

• Does your partner respond with, “I’ll think about it”, “Maybe”, or “We’ll discuss it later” and never provide a resolution or clear answer?


• Does your partner avoid conversations about the future of the relationship and where it’s going?


• Does your partner seem unconcerned about the progress or outcome of the relationship?


• Does your partner resist depending on you emotionally or you being emotionally dependent on him/her.


• Does your partner prioritize his/her career, hobbies, friends, or other aspects of their personal life over you?


• Does your partner agree to shared plans but often backs out at the last minute?

10. Covert sarcasm

• Your partner responds in words with overemphasis such as,  “Oh, what a great idea!”.


• Your partner would say, “Well, aren’t you just perfect?” to downplay your success.


• Your partner would comment, “Because you’re always right” or “Because you never do anything wrong.” during an argument.


• A compliment or praise from your partner makes you doubt his/her sincerity.


• A mean comment will be following by, “I was only joking!” or “Can’t you take a joke?”


• If you point out the hurtfulness of a comment, YOU are always “too sensitive”.