August 31, 2025

Focus on Secure Attachment

Attachment Theory details the set of common behaviors and responses that we express in our adult relationships, but which developed from our childhood experience. This theory explains four primary styles: anxious, avoidant (fearful & dismissive), and stable. In the past few months, my posts have provided a brief overview of each of the attachment styles and what they look like in real life. This is the final post of the series highlighting the Secure Attacher and what secure attachment looks like in a relationship.

If you’re an Anxious or Avoidant Attacher, these examples of secure attachment will show you healthier responses to triggers in your relationship. Although I don’t think it’s an easy transition, I do believe that with self-awareness and a great therapist, Anxious and Avoidant Attachers can slowly adopt the healthier, more relationship-sustaining behaviors of the Secure Attacher.

If you’re unsure of your attachment style, you can take my short quiz here.

Read my previous posts about Anxious Attachers and Avoidant Attachers.

Secure Attachers and Emotional Intimacy

Everyone wants to feel emotional and physical closeness with their partner - but it can also be triggering.  Secure Attachers are not triggered by closeness and they don’t feel smothered or suffocated by it. They are able to develop intimacy with their partner while maintaining their own sense of self. They don’t fear they will “lose themselves” in the relationship.

Anxious Attachers need constant reassurance of love and will panic if they notice even a slight change in the amount of attention they receive. They tend to be clingy in relationships and need a lot of together time.

Avoidant Attachers play “push and pull”; they get close and then pull away when closeness begins to feel overwhelming. Pulling away helps to recalibrate their nervous system and once it calms, they move close again, but it’s a constant push and pull.

Secure Behavior Tip: Spend quality one-on-one time with your partner and take steps to open up emotionally. When you feel the need to pull away or get clingy, remind yourself there is no need to panic or withdraw. There is no looming threat and closeness doesn’t have to feel scary.

Secure Attachers and Needs

Secure Attachers state their needs without fearing abandonment or vulnerability. They aren’t passive-aggressive and they don’t expect their partner to be a mind reader. When a need or a want isn’t being met, they openly discuss the issue without using manipulation and without fearing that having needs will scare their partner away.

Anxious Attachers are reluctant to talk about their needs, fearing their needs will make their partner pull away. They might drop hints about a problem or a concern instead of discussing it openly, hoping their partner will catch on.

Avoidant Attachers are disconnected from their feelings and are afraid of depending upon someone else. Needs feel like weaknesses and trigger their fear of vulnerability.

Secure Behavior Tip: Everyone has needs and the right partner will want to meet them. Push yourself to vocalize your needs and be honest about how you feel. A simple example: “When we make last-minute changes, I feel unsettled. Can we plan a bit earlier next time?”

Secure Attachers and Independence

Secure Attachers enjoy their alone time but they don’t use it as an escape or defense. They find a healthy balance between personal space and together time. They don’t feel threatened by their partner’s independence and they don’t use time apart as a way to avoid intimacy.

Anxious Attachers want a lot of together time and feel rejected if their partner wants to spend time alone or with other people.

Avoidant Attachers use space as a way to avoid dealing with issues or to intentionally create emotional distance from their partner when the relationship starts feeling suffocating or they feel too vulnerable.

Secure Behavior Tip: Time apart is not a threat to the relationship nor should it be used as a weapon or defense shield. Everyone needs some personal space. Time apart isn’t a fracture in the relationship and it shouldn’t be used to avoid engaging or getting closer.

Secure Attachers and Emotional Regulation

Secure Attachers sometimes get upset, but when they do, they are able to pause and self-regulate before reacting. They don’t immediately jump from 0 to 10 on the stress scale. They observe their emotions, reflect on the issue, self-soothe, and then calmly respond. They don’t walk out in the middle of an argument and they don’t rage uncontrollably.

Anxious Attachers need an immediate release from uncomfortable or intense emotions. They can quickly escalate an argument and in extreme discomfort, may initiate a sudden break-up in order to reduce their anxiety in the moment.          Avoidant Attachers might completely shut down or refuse to discuss the topic when conflict arises. Conflict, emotions, closeness - it’s all about vulnerability for avoidants. They shut themselves off to avoid feeling vulnerable.

Secure Behavior Tip: Focus on your breath, take a walk, or journal your thoughts before addressing the conflict. Give yourself time to calm down and regulate. All couples disagree, this is normal and expected in any relationship. Conflict doesn’t mean the relationship is ending or that your partner doesn’t love you.

Secure Attachers and Trust

Secure Attachers generally trust people and give them the benefit of the doubt. They are often the ones who trust until given a reason not to. They don’t ignore red flags or obvious deceit, but they also don’t assume the worst without justification.

Anxious Attachers find it hard to trust their partner. Trust is earned over time and they may never get to the point where they fully trust someone. They are hyper-vigilant and suspicious of any word or action that feels out of the “norm”.

Avoidant Attachers are convinced that opening up to their partner, trusting, and getting close will inevitably lead to getting hurt. Vulnerability feels scary.

Secure Behavior Tip: When you find yourself feeling distrustful, practice giving your partner the benefit of the doubt. Don’t jump to conclusions. Let the scenario play out without assuming the worst. Avoidants will need to practice opening up and allowing themselves to feel vulnerable. Baby steps of sharing how you feel is key.

Secure Attachers and Conflict

Secure Attachers can disagree with their partner without fearing that an argument will weaken their partner’s love or end the relationship. They know that disagreements don’t threaten the relationship and they are able to remain engaged with their partner and keep the focus on repair and resolution.

Anxious Attachers are afraid that conflict will be the reason their partner walks away or ends the relationship. Anxious Attachers often end the relationship first.

Avoidant Attachers want to avoid the emotional intensity of confrontation and will withdraw completely.

Secure Behavior Tip: Remind yourself that conflict is inevitable between couples and doesn’t signal the end of the relationship: “I know we disagree on this, but we can find common ground.”

Secure Attachers and Boundaries

Secure Attachers see boundaries as a crucial tool for establishing parameters around mutual respect and understanding; boundaries are not used as walls that shut out others nor are they used as a manipulation tactic. Secure attachers express their limits and boundaries without feeling guilty for having them and are able to accept the boundaries of their partner without resentment.

Anxious Attachers may get offended or feel hurt when their partner sets a boundary because they take it personally (they take everything personally).                                                                                                                                                Avoidant Attachers fear being engulfed by their partner so they will swing to the extreme and create very rigid boundaries to keep their partner at arm's length and maintain their need for space. 

Secure Behavior Tip: Boundaries are crucial because they establish the “ground rules” for a healthy partnership. Boundaries are not about defense, they are about self-care.

The Goal

All of us want healthy, honest, anxiety-free relationships. No one wants to create drama, feel jealousy, or push our partner away, but past trauma can lead us to develop reactionary behaviors that don’t serve us in the long term. If you see yourself in the descriptions of the Anxious or Avoidant Attacher and you want to move toward more secure behaviors, remember that it is possible to change your relational style. Fear seems to be the primary emotion that underlies the behavior of the Avoidant and Anxious Attacher.  Deep-diving into the reasons for the fear and the irrationality of it is a good place to start. Once core fears are addressed and diminished, reactions to those old triggers will change. Over time, you will react and relate to your partner without the fear of abandonment or suffocation and as trust develops, those learned trauma-based responses can be replaced with nurturing, relationship-sustaining actions.