A Jewish matchmaker discusses what to know before you fall in love
Implied in this post is that we have control over who we fall in love with and that we can take our time and get to know someone before we fall in love. Do we have that kind of control? As a Jewish matchmaker who has seen many Jewish singles fall in love, I’m not entirely sure. Much of our feeling of ‘falling in love’ is our hormones hijacking our emotions and for some people, this happens very early on before we know the other person. I hesitate to call that ‘love’, because for me, genuine love grows with time. Infatuation is more immediate. Whichever side you are on, if you meet someone that you are attracted to and hoping to build a relationship with, asking these questions before you fall in love will at the very least, clarify your compatibility.
The 12 questions to ask before you fall in love is not original to me – they are from a YouTube video from Ralph Smart. Knowing the answers to these questions can give you insight into a person’s character, and since shared values and ethics are a foundation pillar upon which to build a long-lasting relationship, they are worth a review.
What are the 12 questions you should ask before you fall in love? I’ve listed them below with my Jewish matchmaker’s commentary on each one. I encourage you to watch the original video to hear Ralph’s perspective (link is below), and decide for yourself if these are crucial questions to ask before you fall in love.
What is your vision? This is a great question. Understanding the life goals of a potential partner and whether or not their goals complement yours is important to know before you fall in love. Many breakups are due to differing life visions and the journey will be considerably smoother if you are both on the same or similar page.
What is the most important thing to you in the world? I love this question. The answer will tell you a lot about a person. Is success the most important? How about personal growth? Maybe it’s a child or a pet? You get a lot of insight into the heart of a person with this question.
What do you want out of this relationship? This is an important question to ask before you fall in love, but I don’t think it should be asked too early. No one can tell you what they want out of a relationship with you before they know you (and vice versa). If you’ve spent enough time together to know that you are interested in moving forward, be sure to get the answer before you are head over heels.
What is the most important quality you are looking for in someone you are in a relationship with? This is another ‘must know’ before you fall in love. Is your potential partner seeking a sense of humor? Empathy? Ambition? The best fit will be someone who has that quality, right? Better to know if you fit the bill before you fall in love, rather than be cast aside later when they discover that you don’t.
Why do you think your last relationship didn’t work out for you? You MUST ask this before you fall in love – primarily to know if this person takes responsibility for his/her own behavior in relationships. Few breakups are one-sided. It’s takes two to tango and a potential partner who hasn’t done the inner work to understand their mistakes in past breakups will likely repeat them.
How would you describe your heart? Is it open? Is it closed? Is it fearful? Untrusting? This question provides insight into the insecurities and traumas that show up in a relationship with this person. If the answer is based in fear, that insecurity will eventually create problems. A potential partner should heal their inner wounds before falling in love. A healthy relationship is between two people with expansive and open hearts.
How important is ‘eating clean’ to you? “Eating clean” can have different meanings. For me, it is about eating ethically with the goal of nourishment. For others, it may be keeping kosher. For some, it may be keto. Food is a big part of our lives and the food philosophy of a potential partner is good to know before you fall in love.
Is marriage for you? This is another questions that I wouldn’t ask on the first few dates, but by the fourth date it makes sense to know where they stand on the issue. Not everyone wants to marry but this doesn’t mean they don’t want a committed relationship.
Do we split the bill? This is not only about who picks up the dinner tab. This has bigger implications about how you will share/distribute expenses as a dating couple and possibly, as a married couple. Money is a hot button topic for a lot of people and another area where compatibility is crucial to a happy relationship.
What do you think about the state of the world? Is the world going to hell in a hand-basket or will humanity’s ingenuity save us from destruction? Are our leaders corrupt or do they have our best interests at heart? Knowing whether this person wears rose colored glasses or has blinders on will tell you a lot about their disposition and level of positivity. Both of which are good to know before you fall in love.
What does real love look like to you? Love looks and feels differently to different people and you want to be able to express your love in a way that your partner feels and sees. Knowing your partner’s love language is a good place to start.
What is the greatest thing you learned from your last relationship? Very similar to a previous question about previous relationships, this question will highlight a person’s self-awareness (or lack of). If the response is all about blame or negativity, “I learned not to be so trusting of people who don’t deserve it”, then it’s likely that this person is not very self-aware. If the answer is, “I learned to voice my needs and do less people-pleasing”, there is a good chance that this person is introspective and doesn’t shift the blame to others- an important distinction to know about a person before you fall in love.
I would love to hear what you think of these twelve questions. Would you ask them of a potential partner before falling in love? Please leave your comments and check out the source video here.